Sex, ironmongery and taxes. Everyday life in Álora.

 

"Oh to be in England now that April's there".  or  "April is the cruellest month.........." It was.

Here we are,  reflected in the back end of a shiny tanker with La Mancha in our rear view mirror and the Sierra Morena up ahead. Oh to be in España now that May is here! Open roads, blue skies and more elections to look forward to.
Álora is now well into the grip of election fever. You can't have a decent chat in the street for all the noisy propaganda vans going round and round the Álora Internal Ring Road, (There's one going past right now!). Banners and posters are everywhere and all the parties are having parties in an attempt to buy votes with free paellas, bouncy castles and caramelos (sweeties)for the little 'uns.

It beats me why the PP candidate for mayor would want to describe himself as  'Adoquín, flojo y peligroso´('thick, loose and dangerous') !


These are only local elections so Mrs. Sanchez and I can vote on Sunday at the heavily guarded and supervised Vecinos' (neighbours') Club at the bottom of Calle Ancha which also, possibly ironically, doubles as the food bank. Gone are the days of caciquismo and cohecho (bribery). Elections in Spain are now fair and square even though most of the national political leaders are, as usual, up to their necks in financial scandals.
There is no sign at all of the new left wing  Podemos party here even though they score 20% in national polls. Philipe of the IU (Izquierda Unida) (United Left) party told me, in confidence, that 'They are supporting us.' I can't wait for Sunday.

I bumped into Phlipe on my way to the bank to pay the 'Impuesto sobre la Renta de no Residentes' (The tax on foreign property owners). This annual rip off only applies to foreigners who have 'holiday homes' here and try to let them out illegally. There is no way of checking who is committing this crime so everybody has to pay a 'tax on presumed rent received'. There are only two things anyone needs to know about this tax:

1. Nobody appears to be paying it.
2. Nobody cares.

If you do want to pay it I am happy to show you how to fill in Formulario  210. If you ask an accountant or gestor or asesor to pay it for you they will charge you un dineral. (a packet).  I will do it for a couple of cañas and a media ración of callos.

                                                   Form 210, as if anyone cares.

They don't make it easy to pay this tax either. We used to have to go to Málaga to pay it. Then we had to go to the local tax office for a ´Form 100'. Then they changed the form to ´´Form 210 ,´´  then to ´´Form 214´´ and they never had any when you went for one. Now it's all done 'online' and they still keep changing the form. Even when you manage to fill in the online form correctly and print it off,  the staff at the bank don't know what to do with it and embarrass you in front of the people waiting in the long queue behind you.
You may be wondering why I bother.

I passed the El Pintor ferretería  (ironmonger) on my way back to Cafe-Bar Madrugón and my daily mitad doble con un vaso de agua del grifo. (glass of coffee with milk and a glass of tap water). El Pintor is probably my favourite shop in Álora. I will go there on the slightest pretext. You can get almost anything there (except a new watch strap) and the staff are always very friendly. I never pass by without looking in and since we arrived back there has been something important  missing.

                                                            Ferretería 'El Pintor'


Where is Minti? I haven't seen her in the shop once in two weeks. I hope she's all right.
There are three ferreterías in town and they are all chock full of stuff from goat bells to glue. You can buy single screws and nails there instead of  having to pay for a plastic strongbox of 100 as in England and buying them in small quantities means you have an excuse to go back for more and a chance to talk to Minti. Those hats on the right are on offer at 2€. What a bargain!

Caminito del Rey update   (a popular item)

The Caminito del Rey is proving very popular. It is still free but is booked up for months ahead. I had some tickets but  lost them .Mrs. Sanchez  is determined to go and may have got us a couple of spare tickets. Great! 

We went on the train to Ronda last week. There's one a day from Álora and you pass right by the Caminito after crossing the bridge that gets bombed  at the end of the film 'Von Ryan's Express'. The people on the path seemed glad to see our train or they may have been calling for help. If you look closely you can see the elaborate safety measures and the sturdy well made wooden steps.

                                         El Caminito del Rey from the Ronda train

Ronda is a big tourist destination. It has the biggest coach park in Western Europe* and is packed with day trippers of all nationalities who rush around in groups of thirty or more taking pictures and buying fridge magnets. 
I've been reading two books about Ronda by Alistair Boyd who lived there with two different wives. (at different times) (one of them was previously Mrs. (Kingsley) Amis. ) He lived in Casa Mondragon in the Old Town which is now called Palacio Mondragon and houses the museum. Mr. Boyd describes how the Ayuntamiento (town hall) of Ronda went about changing it from a beautiful Andalusian market town to a theme park full of souvenir shops and tat. One of the first improvements  was to close down the old traditional market building and convert it in into a posh Parador hotel. We had a coffee there.

                                       The Parador (old market place) Ronda


Last weekend was Ronda's 'Ronda Romantica'.- another big money spinner.

The Parador was fully booked with romantic weekend breaks and a condom machine has been installed outside, between the Parador main entrance and MacDonald's. I'm lovin' it! was the theme of the weekend.

                         Mrs. Sanchez pretending not to notice the condom dispensers.

On a related subject, , Dr.G. tells me that from his balcony and with the aid of powerful binoculars he has spotted a bit of 'romantica' going on up on the Álora castle walls and in plain daylight too. Apparently they  were just one of many adventurous couples hoping  to join the exclusive  'Castillo Club de Álora´ which involves having sex in plain view up on the castle walls. This new 'extreme sport' is fraught with danger, not least from the large community of Falcon naumanni (lesser kestrels) which live up there and whch are always on the look out for a tasty morsel or  two and the risk of painful sunburn.
Membership applications can obtained from ; J. Sanchez, Calle Benito Suarez 21. (photograhic evidence needed).

                                                  What's going on here?

It's the new floral installation at the top of Calle Algarrobo where the 1Casa Inmobilaria office used to be. Like many impressive council projects it should be finished before the elections on Sunday.

It's a living wall of flowers and I love it. A lady in the cake shop opposite was a little negative about it. ´Just wait till they pinch all the flowers.´she said. What an aguafiestas (wet blanket)!

When I arrived home, José Sanchez Moreno ('Epi' to his pals and no relation),  mayor of Álora, was waiting for me with some election publicity. He was pleased that I like the wall which has no name as yet. I suggested 'Los jardines colgantes de los Perotes' (The Hanging Gardens of Álora). 'What a good idea!' he exclaimed and so that is what it's going to be  called.




Does anyone know where I can buy one of these T shirts.

Juanito Sánchez.

May 19th. 2015

*possibly

Man is back in Álora. Graft and Election promises.

The Sanchez trio were given the medical all clear to travel on Tuesday, so by Friday we were scoffing calamares fritos outside Los Caballos Dos as if we'd never been away. Our two house guests Colin and Iain had arrived before us and, to our delight, had  turned on the fridge and stocked it with beer,a packet of butter and a litre of milk.
I must say it was a relief to be motoring down through France as the Great British Public went to the Polls, especially after months of election fever. We'd voted by post. It seems that a majority of the Brits want more of the same so that's all right then.
As we turned left to enter Álora a giant image of our dear alcalde Jose´Sanchez (no relation) and known to his pals as 'Epi') greeted us. What a nice surprise! 'Álora nos une' the poster said, which means 'Welcome back to Álora!'

                                          El alcalde welcoming us back to Álora

After more than 5 months away there are a few jobs that need doing. The white paint has jumped off the walls again, the Dama de Noche needs cutting back and the fridge needs filling with food. May is the best time for putting 'insertas' (grafts) on to trees so I got on the  phone to Chuster who had said he'd sort out our fig and lemon trees.  Chuster was recommended by everybody as the man to go to for this kind of job and he was down here in a flash with his grafting equipment. He is very informative but talks very quickly. Apparently in a couple of years we should have some figs which are still on the tree when we return at the end of August 2020. I asked him about grafting some oranges on to the lemon tree. He showed me how to do the grafts which, frankly, is dead easy when you know how and I'm happy to take on any grafting jobs you need doing. He wasn't very happy with the lemon tree, though, which had been called 'feo' (ugly) by a neighbour, Ramon, a few years ago, and set about it with his pruning saw. Lemons went flying everywhere and after 5 minutes the tree had been almost completely dismembered. Apparently in a few years we can graft a new tree on to it. This chap doesn't mess about I can tell you. He refused to take any payment, which is very generous.

My watch strap buckle broke during the above horticultural procedures so on Saturday I went up to  Mamely the jewellery and watch shop to see what they could do. No luck. Mrs. Mamely said we should try at 'Maruchi', the stationery and magazine shop up the street. On the way we had to pass 'El Pintor' the ferretería (ironmongers) where the lovely 'Minti' works. Thinking that a watch strap buckle may be more likely to come within the remit of ironmongery than stationery I tried them. No luck there either, but they said I should try at the barber's shop next door!  Within 5 minutes Paco the barber had fitted a new buckle on the strap. No charge. I love this town!  As he was fitting it his brother, Pepe, managed to convince our guest, Colin, that he needed a haircut. (8€ plus tip).

It turns out that the 'welcome poster' is really an election poster so we've only escaped one election to be in the middle of another campaign. We are eligible to vote in the local elections so the alcalde is speaking to me again. Interestingly, for the first time a British person is included on the PSOE (ruling) party's list of candidates for office. I presume that this is to give the foreigners a voice on the council so I'm hoping that, if the PSOE are elected to office again, our new representative will be able get the council to put in some sewage drains on our street at long last. Isn't that what democracy is all about?

You may have noticed that on the 'welcome poster' Epi is standing on the Caminito Del Rey. I had tickets to walk on the Caminito on Sunday but I've lost them. Colin refuses to go near it but Mrs. Sanchez is very keen so I may have to get some more tickets and go through with it, especially as the ladies of the Molina family did it yesterday.We´ll see.

11th. June 2015