'May you live in interesting times'

"May You Live In Interesting Times"
  寧爲太平犬,莫做亂離人 

(Better to be a dog during  peacetime than a human in times of war)

March 28th. 2020. The Spanish Legión arrive in Álora 
for Semana Santa.

Following Spain´s declaration of  'A State of Alarm', all normal activities in Álora have been cancelled until further notice. On March 14th. the ayuntamiento announced an almost total 'lockdown'. Except for essential activities, such as shopping for food or medical supplies, going to and from work and helping people in need, everyone must stay indoors. The police are stopping cars and pedestrians and demanding a reason for being outside. At night the pavements and walls of the main streets are being washed down with disinfectant. Álora is taking its responsibilities in the fight against Coronavirus very seriously indeed.

Semanta Santa (Holy Week) begins a week on Sunday and Domingo Ramos (Palm Sunday) is usually marked by the first processions through Álora's streets. The climax of the week happens on Viernes Santo (Good Friday) when the two main hermandades (brotherhoods) parade their tronos. (thrones or floats as we might call them) They are ; El Señor de las Torres and La Virgen de Dolores Coronada. Both of these hermadades pay for military escorts which are spectacular and very popular.

 El Señor de las Torres

La Virgen de Dolores Coronada  

El Señor is escorted by soldiers from the Brigada de Paracaidistas BRIPAC (paratroopers) who do a lot of impressive juggling of their assault rifles along the way. La Virgen de Dolores has La Legión for company.

Although the paracaidistas look pretty hard, and very dangerous when they start chucking those big guns around. (so far nobody has been seriously injured), the Legión, with their motto ´Viva la Muerte' ('Long live death!') and their history of brutally suppressing the Moroccan arabs and Spanish Republicans, are in a different league. They are really scary.

Los Paracaidistas

La Legión

It´s always puzzled me why the military have become so essential to Easter. No self-respecting parade would be seen without a few soldiers in uniform.

Anyway, even though Semana Santa will not be taking place this year, the Legión can't keep away. (only joking chaps). They are here to help the Policía (local police) and Guardia Civil to enforce the restrictions on movement. I wouldn't argue with that lot!

From what I am hearing, people in Álora, perotes and extranjeros alike, understand how important it is to stay indoors until this wave of disease peaks and eventually fades away.

Mrs. Sánchez and I were due to be back in Álora this week. We hope we shall be able to return ASAP.  We really miss everyone.

Hats off to 'Arthur', who has been in England for several weeks caring for an elderly aunt. His 'better half' has had to cope on her own, self-isolated in Álora. As soon as he was able to he snapped up seat on a rare flight from Gatwick to Málaga. Have you met his Auntie Margaret?

That's what love can do!  I hope she fumigates him before she let's him through the door.

There's no doubt that Spain is going through a terrible period now and all the indications are that here, in Britain, we are in for a rough ride too. 
Restrictions here on mixing socially have taken place very  slowly.
We've been getting mixed messages from our government.

In Birmingham, where we still are, in our 'winter residence, confirmed cases of Covid-19 and deaths are increasing at an alarming rate and some people, even those in 'vulnerable' groups, are still ignoring the 'advice' on 'social distancing'.

They should ship a platoon of La Legión over here with a couple of those Humvees to focus people's minds

Mrs.Sánchez and I are staying in, except for taking Monty out for a run where hardly anyone goes. We are all allowed one walk a day. We are lucky to have someone to shop for us.

By popular demand I've rote another topical pome.
 

                        Three Days into Lockdown

There’s no-one going down our road. Who’d dare to disobey?

They’re saving their allowance for later in the day.

We’re all stocked up with toilet rolls and anti-septic spray

We’re three days into lockdown now and indoors we must stay.

We’re getting daily briefings too, with government commands

Which basically are saying, ‘Stay in and wash your hands’.

They’ve got a team of ‘modelers’ who think up all the plans

With graphs and calculations that no-one understands.

We’ve set up a ‘support group’ here. It´s on the Internet.

I gave a young lad thirty quid. No sign of groceries yet.

There’s lots of tips and sound advice on how to manage debt.

We’re all good friends and neighbours now, although we’ve never met.

I’m getting tired of pasta now. I’m getting sick of rice.

I bought some eggs two weeks ago and they don’t smell too nice.

The sprouts and cauliflowers went brown. We’ve had to throw them out.

We’re three days into lockdown now and nobody’s about.

No Bar News. No Bars.

Don't forget to put your clocks forward tonight.


Juanito Sánchez  March 28th. 2020

No Country For Old Men or Women. England expects....

No Country For Old Men or Women. England expects....

Britain's response....

'We've always known that to prevent is better than to cure'

Álora's response....

How quickly things can change! Only three weeks ago we were looking forward to continue 'living the dream' in Álora.Mrs. Sánchez, Monty and I were due to take the Plymouth to Santander ferry next Sunday afternoon, arriving back in the pueblo of the Perotes well in time for the start of Semana Santa (Easter Week).

It is not to be.

The Coronavirus/ Covid-19 pandemic, sweeping through Europe has closed down Spain completely and, as I write, the UK will be following suit very soon. It looks as though, being 'of a certain age', Mrs. Sánchez and I won't be able to venture outside our 'winter residence' in Birmingham, even to take Monty for a walk, for three months or maybe more, or maybe forever, until we die. Who knows?
Pensioner prison. Lockdown. Confined to Barracks sine die.

We'd only just cancelled our ferry booking when we found out that the Ayuntamiento (town hall) in Álora has cancelled Semana Santa (Easter) this year and the town has virtually closed down. All bars and restaurants have been closed and the only shops allowed to open are the farmacias, supermarkets and other food shops.

The mayor of Álora, Francisco Martínez ('Humillo', to his friends) announced on Saturday that all the Semana Santa processions were to be cancelled. This follows the announcement of a State of Emergency in Spain by Prime MInister Pedro Sánchez ( no relation). The ban on processions applies to all of Spain, even Málaga.

Here he is, Álora's alcalde (mayor) flanked by our neighbour Juani (on the right) and his armed body-guard (on the left), which he now needs after cancelling Semana Santa. The two people behind them are Amor y San Juan who won't be going out this year, either.

Unless you have lived in southern Spain or visited the cities of Sevilla, Granada, Córdoba or Málaga during Semana Santa you can not imagine what the cancellation of the Easter processions will mean. It is by far the most important festival there.The preparations have gone on all year. Málaga Province will lose over  €120,000,000 (£109,489,800) when  1.4 million  visitors stay at home under armed guard.

Álora puts on a famous spectacular called La Despedía every Viernes Santo (Good Friday) in the Plaza Baja de la Despedía, just at the end of our street. About 15,000, mainly intoxicated, people pack the square at 2.00 pm. to see this unique event.
Not this year! It´s a disaster if the Despedía is rained off, which happens now and then, but to cancel the whole of Semana Santa is unthinkable. Poor Álora!

La Despedía 

If the curfew is keeping you indoors and you run out of dvd box sets or you don't have Netflix, click on the link above to watch last year´s Álora Despedía. It's wicked (as young people used to say).

Calling off Easter in Britain will probably go unnoticed, unless you're a regular churchgoer. (Church services have been called off). I wonder how God will cope with ´lockdown'?- he´s well over 70.

The kids will still get their chocolate eggs, which are starting to become popular in Spain too - even though they soon melt in the heat. I don't think they'll catch on. We never had 'Easter Parades' in England either, as far as I can remember. They are an American thing, starring Judy Garland and Fred Astaire.

But what about Daisy Nook Wakes? (or Daisy Nook Easter Fair, if you're posh). They can't call that off, surely!

                               Daisy Nook Wakes

  That was the best thing about Easter when Mrs. S. and I were kids in Oldham - three days of fun in the mud, rain and sometimes, hot sun (as I remember). Silcock Brothers used to provide the rides and sideshows and still do.

'r

 L.S. Lowry used to go too. He painted this picture in 1946 (That's Mrs.S. in the perambulator, bottom right.) 

FYI; This painting used to hang in Margaret Thatcher's office in 10 Downing Street, which we all now affectionately call 'Number 10', or 'where number 2 lives'.)

In the interests of my readers in the Greater Manchester area I spoke to Mr. Silcock himself, yesterday, to ask him if the fair will be cancelled. He said they were waiting to see what Boris Johnson (allegedly The Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland) says in the next two weeks. So don't despair yet. 



Now Spain has closed its borders and commandeered Spain´s private hospitals too. Nice one Pedro!

,

                          Pedro Sánchez (no relation)

I rely heavily heavily on my 'special correspondent on the ground' for the local Álora 'skinny'. That's not his name - though he will be very soon, what with the kebab shop being shut. This is what he told me about el toque de queda (curfew).

'The police are being extremely laid back, the Guardia even more so. Apparently, on the coast they are being a bit more heavy-handed with the fines. ...The rules/laws are so opaque that any self-respecting cop would hestitate to enforce them. Basically, walking around for the sake of it is illegal now, however walking with a dog is not. Walking to (essential) employment, the supermarket, ATM or to visit a sick elderly person is okay but discouraged.
Going to the doctor or pharmacy is okay, but don't walk the long way home (unless you have a dog) or look like you are enjoying the walk.
Driving to the gasolinera (alone) is okay. With a dog is even better. Couples walking on the beach without a dog are about the easiest law-enforcement target. They just don't have an excuse unless they are marine biologists.'

Thanks for that, Simon. (not his real name).

So there you are.
I believe that all the stray packs of dogs in Álora have already disappeared and some people are disguising their donkeys, children and wives/husbands as dogs so that the get a bit of fresh air.

                      Señor Velázquez from up the road.

Mrs. S. and I are trying to keep our spirits up here in Birmingham which does take some effort at the best of times. I'm filling this period of self-incarceration and economic inactivity with learning to play the piano, the guitar and writing poetry. Here's one what I wrote earlier.

 Corona Blues

You may talk of isolation

Awaiting incubation
While toilet rolls are flying off the shelves,

And shoppers going manic

Grabbing pasta in a panic

And the rich are buying kits to test themselves.

You may shrink away in fear

If anyone comes near. 

They only want to spread their germs about.

It only takes a sneeze

To pass on the disease

You'd better stay in bed and not go out.

I wouldn't go to Spain.

You won't get back again.

There's nothing much to do there if you did.

The shops and bars are shut,

Including Pizza Hut.

They've even closed the brothels in Madrid.

With a temperature and cough

You'll know it's kicking off,

But even then there's still no need to worry.

Just dial up 111.

An ambulance will come.

They'll have you breathing O2 in a hurry.

But if you're 70 plus

You'll have to get a bus,

And all they'll do is show you to the door.

"No test or cure for you!"

"It's probably just 'flu".

"Stay in another week until you're sure."

"Go home and lock the door."

"We're working on a cure".

"The hospitals can't take you older lot"

"Perhaps, a few months later

We'll have a ventilator.

By then you'll all have snuffed it, like as not". 

Plenty more where that came from! (!)

Bars News

In Álora, they're all shut...although there was a report of crowds around a little bar in the Callejón, after the deadline.

Pie News 

It was Britain's National Pie Week the week before last so we used our new pie mould to produce this little blinder.

Another Sánchez special. Veal and ham hock.

Praise also for this contribution from a reader in Liverpool. 

It's a traditional Lancashire meat pie using shortcrust pastry, which Mrs. Sánchez suggests is a courageous choice of casing.

The filled

 The pie

 The product

 

 

 Mmmm. It looks almost good enough to eat!

Please feel free to send us pictures of your favourite pies, pie-related jokes, adventures and embarrassing pie experiences.
We must apologise in advance that there will be no prizes and, sadly, we will not be able to print all your contributions owing to lack of space and public appetite.





See you soon (if we're spared)

Juanito Sánchez 18th. March 2020.

How to Save the World. Man Not in Álora Rebels Against Extinction - and Mower.

How to Save the World. Man Not in Álora Rebels Against Extinction - and Mower.

                                   A typical morning

It's Pancake Tuesday today and probably the first morning for months that isn't dark and rainy here in Brum. Last year Pancake Tuesday (Shrove Tuesday, Mardi Gras, Carnaval) was a week later, or earlier, because it has to be 40 days before Easter Sunday, and Easter Sunday keeps changing according to a secret formula based on the the 'Paschual  Full Moon', which is the first full moon after the 'Vernal Equinox'. I don't know why they don't just decide on a fixed date like they did with Christmas and Boxing Day and stop messing us around.
It's a big day on the Christian Calendar. We have a 'My Favourite Dogs' one, so I can't confirm that. It marks the start of Lent when everyone is supposed to give up something until Easter.

Mrs. S. and I and are following the fine example of  Jacob Rees-Mogg and giving up going out of the house or, in the case of His Excellency and Prime Minister, The Right Honourable Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, going out of the refrigerator, in readiness for the arrival in Birmingham of the Coronavirus (Covid-19) when we will have to 'self-isolate' ourselves anyway.

 Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg. 

                 (Has anyone seen them recently?)

At the moment, 'staying in' is no hardship for us as the weather is dreadful, we can get Netflix, the freezer's full and we've no money anyway.
We could do without the What's Apps we keep getting from Álora, though. The weather there has been hot and sunny for the last 6 weeks, apparently, and the annual 'Carnaval'  last Saturday was a big success - although a small group of British expats in the top square (La Plaza de la Fuente Arriba) were overhead asking if anyone knew what all the fuss was about.

                         La Plaza de la Fuente Arriba

                                   Calle Cervantes

Now that we are 'self-isolated' we are even more 'economically inactive', as we were cruelly named by the current 'Home Secretary' of Britain, Priti Patel. I must say I was a bit put out by being called 'economically inactive'. I'm all in favour of economising. You should see me at our local Waitrose in the early-to-late afternoon when they start putting the yellow 'reduced item' stickers on!

Mrs. S. and I are planning to do our bit by going  pea picking in Norfolk when the UK leaves the European Union and the farmers can't employ migrant workers any more. It can't be that hard and we'll be doing it for Britain.

                               Pea Picking in Norfolk

Come to think of it, it's a bit rich her calling people 'economically inactive' when she, herself, and the 'special one', who must not be named in case he shows up, are hell bent on sacking everyone in the civil service. Even the 'wierdo and misfit special advisers' that lurk in the shadowy alcoves of 10 Downing Street are looking over their shoulders -  such trusted aides as Messrs. T. Robinson, M. Borman and A.Tilla-Th'un aren't safe there any more.

                            Special Advisers (Spads)
 
If a pandemic of Coronavirus isn't scary enough, we've got climate change and global warming to worry about as well. Two gales, Ciara and Dennis, followed by floods, have left vast areas of the UK under water at the same time as the glaciers are melting and Antarctica has higher temperatures than Aberdeen.

                  Migrant polar bear arriving at Margate.

While the greatest polluting countries are still climate change deniers, the British Government has announced that all diesel, petrol and hybrid vehicles will be barred from our roads by year 2032. 
This announcement came a week after I bought a new diesel-powered car. 

Now we can't have wood or coal fires either. Well, coal fires were banned in Birmingham 25 years ago and the same goes for the 'wet wood' fires also covered by the new ban. Nevertheless we've all got to do our bit to reduce our 'carbon footprint'. I expect our only national festival, Guy Fawkes Day or Bonfire Night will be banned this year, too.
What next?

On the only dry day for weeks I decided to try mowing our lawn. It got me out of the house for an hour or so and my recently bought self-propelled petrol lawnmower started straight away. I'd just about finished when the mower hit a small tree stump that I'd forgotten about. Some bits flew off the engine and it stopped. I took it to the nice chap at 'Mower Maintenance', 'just behind Solihull Blinds', to see what could be done.
'Knackered'. he said, 'The crank's bent'. 

Mrs. S. has a favourite saying, 'Buy cheap, buy twice'. (El dinero mal gastado viene dos veces al mercado)
I'd only paid 50 quid for it so she might well be right (again) even though its dramatic demise was my fault (and the stump's) entirely.
The tacturn technician was only able to give me one piece of useful advice:

'They're selling these at Aldi from this Sunday at £179.99.' 
And, indeed, they are.
Prices for self-propelled petrol lawnmowers range from £200- £500 on Amazon so whose advice should I take? I have to

be economically active AND have a lawnmower that will last longer than the 6 months that the last one did. Decisions, Decisions!

And another thing. If they're going to ban petrol cars, they may well ban petrol lawnmowers too, so I've got to make a decision that is environmentally friendly too.

                    The British Lawnmower Museum 

I contacted Oberon who runs The British Lawnmower Museum in St. Anne's, near Blackpool, for advice. He told  me that there are no solar, wave or wind powered  lawnmowers being made yet. He has not heard any rumours about  banning petrol mowers either, but he warned me that the ones on sale at Aldi are made in China and parts are hard to get hold of. 

I was just wondering what we'll have to give up next to save the planet when I noticed Monty, our dog, giving me an odd look. 

                                     An odd look

I can face giving up driving a car and having to brick up my fireplace; after all it's for the best possible of causes, but there appears to be some suggestion that even 'man's best friend' may be next for the chop.

There are 9.9 million dogs and 10.9 million cats in the UK (163 million in the USA) and between them it is alleged that they are responsible for 64 million tons (tonnes) of 'greenhouse gases' a year - the equivalent of 13 million cars! 
That means, so the story goes, that a cat is as harmful to the earth's atmosphere as a VW Golf, and a dog, a great big Toyota Land Cruiser.
 ('The Guardian' 12th. November 2009) 

I won't try to kid you that our Monty doesn't let off the odd fart now and then. Don't we all? But there is some mishtake here, surely! What a load of old baloney (un cuento Chino).

We've just got back from a trip up north to Oldham which used to be  partly in the County of Lancashire and partly in the West Riding of Yorkshire -  an anomaly caused by the difficulty in drawing a boundary line up in the harsh, rugged and beautiful Pennine Hills. It's now in Greater Manchester. 
It was snowing up there and cold. They have a very dry sense of humour, too, despite all the rain.

While Mrs.S. was having a bit of a knees-up at a mountain 'boutique hotel' resort on Ripponden Road with her sister, I drove up to the snow line at 'Grains Bar' to give Monty a bit of exercise. A van pulled up beside me in the car park. The driver's window was open.
I won't try to replicate the accent.

Me:   'What a fantastic view!'

Local van driver:    'Aye. You tend to take it for granted.'

Me:   'Not me, but I don't come here much since I left Oldham.

L.V.D. 'Where did you move to?' 

Me:   'Birmingham.'

L.V.D.: 'How long ago?'

Me:      'Fifty years.'

L.V.D.   Umm. Think you'll like it?

See you soon, if we're spared.

Juanito Sánchez February 28th. 2020.